Lordi

Hello, as it’s over.. uh.. many months since I promised to start it is now time to start with my first dissection. Why it took so long to get started? I’ll let this video speak for myself:

SO! my first dissection will be about the icon of finnish music made into comic: Lordi

Oh man, so ugly..

Oh god the cover itself is so ugly, not because of the monsters but because it’s so DAMN DARK and blurry that I can’t quite fathom it. Don’t worry though, I made it aaal better as you can see below;

All better. Don’t argue.

So. This atrocity is made by Petri Hiltunen, Mattipekka Ratia and Mr. Lordi himself, of course. Seems like Lordi is quite an artist dispite of his very visible handicap of being a half-demon troll monster with spiky face and he did quite good job on the first part of this five-part album. Let’s see how he did it.

Lordi - Alkuperä, fun for the whole family!

This has to be the most violent page in the whole comic and I’m pretty sure you can belive me. A demon-troll being born by jumping out of her dead mother’s womb and then, as one-second-old, kills a bear. OH ISN’T THAT JUST DARLING WITTLE THING

"He seems like a nice little fellow" ..yes, that seriously is what they say

Mr. Lordi truly was a cute little baby, he and his zombie-animal friends

zombie reindeer and an owl.. this is either the best comic I've ever seen or the worst.

Don’t fuck with him or he will fist you to death!

OWWW! ..ow OW! DUDE! SERIOUSLY!?

Okay, I can’t stand that any longer let’s get on with the next chapt.. heeeeey Petri Hiltunen, I love that guy he did all those awesome wild west comics and few sciense fiction albums too, he’s an old veteran in the Finland’s comic book markets.

Ra stabs. stab stab stab.

So, a pharaoh called Amen-Ra who kills people because of politics. And he apparently is HIRED killer to boot, who even steals the wives of his victims..

This harem is full of widows of the people he stabbity-stabbed. Now THAT'S badass!

I mean, uh, isn’t he like the GOD of egyptians and doesn’t really need money or women or something. I’m kinda lost here on the idea and MIND of this whole thing but oh well.. let’s move on, now he apparently blew his one mission and after some dude stabbed him on the face and he became all ugly 😦

Hi kids! remeber to wash your teeth!

And that made him somehow love the taste of human heart so much he became kinda insane. Remember me to never fuck up my face or I will start eating people’s innards.

"Happy birthday pharaoh!" "Oh, a beating human heart? For me? Aww shucks.."

Finally I have a good reason to taste if human meat really tastes like pork

..okay, to be honest he started to eat hearts to make people fear him because it was revealed he was an assasin but still.

And then he died.

Goddamit! Why did you have to make my coffin ugly too!?

But don’t worry, he will come back as a zombie yayy!

The next part will be presented to you by.. THE WOBBLYCOPTER!

I think it melted

OH GOD WHAT IS THAT! Is this person serious!? I thought they were professional cartoonist but this does not look professional! I mean, he can’t even grasp size comprehension orwhateveritiscalled, look:

First I was liek small..

..but then I was liek BIG

So.. the plot is that Kita-looking of creature was found dead and some good-for-nothing biologists who hate eachother started to work on it to figure out what the heck it is. They seriously hate eachother, see:

"Allow me to introduce, Professor Klaus Landra. You will be working together." "Nice to meet you!" "I doubt that"

I mean, come ooon, you found an alien! You better like eachother or even just be.. you know.. polite. And wtf is wrong with your feet and postures people? They should be refrigerated and inspected on the table instead of that monster, those “people” are hideous.

Also, the lack of anatomy on this one just tickles me:

What? You're gonna bite with those jaws? nnnooo waaay..

NOW you can bite with them. Ahh.

Yes, people. Bones are there to actually support muscle.

Also, those flying triangles are supposed to be glass shards that come from the front of those people,  but it looks.. I don’t know. You tell me

"EEK! We're in a badly drawn comic!"

I think it’s cheese.

You know what I hate to happen in comics? When the only way to make things look dangerous and angry is give them The Angry Eyebrows, even if they are canines:

their fur is made so fast and badly it looks like a mop

They are so much less scary if you just change their eyes

Aww mommy's little wooffies are being attacked 😦

In fact, I think they just want to have a tea party with him

My scientific studies of this picture has led me to belive this is what the artist first tried to do

He actually likes coffee more.

"Oh, okay, let's be friends heehee *pet pet* oh, whoops. Sorrreee"

Bonus:

No! Bad scientist! Fisting leads to baaad things in this comic!

Oh what absolute bollocs that part was, let’s see about the next.. heeey..

I don't know about you but I'm totally gay for Ox now.

Petri Hiltunen to the rescue! This is actually my favourite part, even that Ox kinda dies in it..

He kinda died. Still gay for him.

Why is this my favourite part? Well, look at this page

Awesome!

If you still don’t get it, look again and look untill you are enlightened with the awesome that is the zombie-army and proper cartoon art that saves this sad little thing.

ONWARD!

The next part is again by that wobblycopter-dude and it’s kinda hard to not notice

Jaw is not made of rubber? Are you sure?

Ohh god what utter rubbish this is, though I had a good laugh at the very first page

PAF! AIIIIIIIII!

I kinda see what he tried with that road turning into a movement-line but.. no.. just no. This whole part is so bad I didn’t even bother scanning more of it or anything it just sucks. It has the usual “Her dad beat her and she couldn’t get married to the man she wanted WAH WAH”-storyline, only with more witchcraft and failart.

Spoiler: everybody dies

I am so glad I bought this for 2€ from the clearance sales, otherwise I would be sobbing in a corner. This would’ve been good if only Petri and Mr. Lordi would’ve done this but no. They had to take that.. wobblycopter-man into this, what were they thinking!? Was he let in from pity?

But now as I know the stories of each of the monsters I have to wonder.. why haven’t anyone called PETA yet!? You sadistic, nasty, evil people! after these poor animals have been beaten, gone trough wars, persecuted and half of them even died just to find out they will never be able to rest in peace, they still use them in show-business!

These poor, almost defenseless animals are being forced to play heavy metal for our amusement, some of them even have open sores who no one treats! just look at Kita, his face is nothing but open sore and no one never changes Ra’s bandages! We need to do something!

Kita will be hard to place into a new home because he shreds furniture, poor thing.

That’s all I got for my first entry. I hope you didn’t notice I kinda suck at using wordpress because I am a wordpress-virgin, so.. meh. I’ll go pop open a bottle of  Smirnoff Ice now. I deserve it after that rubbercopter and rubberjaw..