The Helsinki Comic Festival was truly a success. I bought a pig pile of comics form there and I am on the roll now.
Because I have dissected basically nothing else but finnmanga, I’m going to dissect a basic, usual to Finland “sarjakuva” now. Unfortunately I got more finnmanga for you after this but.. I don’t think Kane will be very pleasing either.
So.. ladies and gentlemen and sheep. This is the first time I have ever had to warn you of the content before and I am sad this stack of toilet paper had to take my warning virginity.
- I’m not even being witty here!
If extreme and un-needed nakedness and violence isn’t your thing, I have plenty of work safe dissections beside this one. But if you’re ready to bear this abomination..
Here is my dissection of
- Why even finnish comics always happen in New York!?
Okay, this one is a real piece of underground publishing shit. This is just the kind of stuff people do when they cannot get a publisher because their stories are honestly complete shit and then they go and claim that their comic was not worthy of publishing in big press because “it has too much nudity and violence”
Tank Girl got too much nudity and violence, The Preacher got too much violence and nudity(and bestiality), Sin City got WAY too much ass, tits and gore but they were really fucking good comics.
But maybe this will be amusing? Maybe it will be sexy? Maybe it will accidently deliver an important message? Maybe it’s nothing of the previous, but it’s a fun brains-to-the-hangar type of entertainment?
Let’s see about that.
- Holy fucking shit the biggest cigarette ever!
Kane is a collaboration between a bunch of teenage boys and they have put out three of these abominations. In this comic they say there will be five of these albums, but the website(see sources) says the third one is the last one. Projects like these, with alot of people are rather quirky and unstable so we might probably never know because I ain’t buying the rest of these.
The main character’s name is Bruce Kane. And he is an ex satanist..
We haven’t even started and they have already probed the skeletons in my closet and I have a huge bias towards this pile of satan’s horn shavings. Will any good come out of this?
Now before we go on I want to make few things clear. First of all, I am over that shit. I’m not reading this as some high authority in satanism, but.. it PAINS me so much to see incredibly stupid representations of satanists. I bet the main character is not running away as an ex-satanist but as some sort of practising priest who knows ~**MAGIC**~ and..
..why did you have to do the biggest damn cliché ever in comics that represent satanism!? Why does everyone make their satanist chacters have magic powers!? I don’t get it!
Is it like, they can’t make the main character completely silly and unrealistic so they have to base their magic skills on something that’s “real”, and because wiccans are all sissy girls the only option that is even half-way cool is satanists. So we have this painfully stereotypical breed of anti-hero that I despise to the core of my very being.
The cult of satanism(not to be mixed with philosophical satanists) is interesting enough on it’s own without any mumbo jumbo. These people boil living cats, drink their own blood and hallucinate from the stress and horror they go trough! That’s fascinating and interesting and a comic that would show that intimate side of that sick fucking cult would be million times more needed and interesting than Yet Another Magig Satanist from the capitol of the comic universe – New York.
I’m not even anrgy because I have to go trough some fucked up memories when I see this comic, I mean.. I joined the cult as 13-years old too, which is pretty fucking eerie. I can handle my past already and everyone who has gotten away from the clutch of this cult should be able to laugh at it. This is something we NEED humor about, we NEED to laugh at it, but it’s so painfully stupid and romantisized that my head hurts.
Goddamn teenage boys. What fixation do you have for satanism anyway? I swear every teenage boy has had a satanist character.
Okay, rant over. Let’s get deeper into this shit.
So, the comic starts with a pedophile joke.
- “Oh really! But it would be so much nicer if you drew me in your picture, instead of him!”
A creepy teacher gets angry to a little kid because she didn’t draw him into her picture, but instead her brother. Okay.. I’m not sure if this was supposed to be funny or not. It WOULD have been if his expressions would’ve been a bit more different or if they would’ve been more subtle. Now it just looks like they just wanted to say to audience “this guy is a pedophile” . Though knowing teenage boys, they probably think pedophiles at themselves are absolutely hilarious.
Though he might not be a pedo at all, he might just be into goblins. I mean.. just look at this “child”!!
- I’LL EAT YOUR SOUL HOMNOMNOMNOM!!
The mere existence of that horrible thing rapes the fabric of time and space and violates every living beings soul! Oh god please someone throw it into boiling water alive!
I also love how Kane spontaneously gets down’s syndrome
It would’ve actually been hilarious if he’d actually just become retarded for no apparent reason, but no. The jokes in this comic try to be all edgy and you’d actually have to be on 15-year old’s level to laugh at them more than once, and they also fail to be edgy enough.
Like how the main plot of this album goes around Kane turning an ugly lady into a hermafrodite midget when he was supposed to turn her more beautiful.
- Ha. ha. penis. tits. ha. ha.
Oh, and get this; SHE’S ALSO FAT OHOHOHOHO FAT HERMAFRODITE MIDGET! I bet she’s also a pedophile!
..oh, so she’s a zoophile.
I have heard all of these jokes when I was in junior high and sex was SO FUNNY OMG DID YOU KNOW GIRLS HAVE.. VAGINAS!! so I am left unimpressed. They clearly want to go beyond and over with their jokes but the problem is.. they are not going far beyond enough.
Like, if Kane would’ve accidently transformed her into a tentacle monster that has vaginas all over and can only fuck itself.. now that would’ve been quite of a mess. Or if she would at least feel attraction towards some exotic and bizarre animal like giraffe but no. The jokes would be edgy and funny if this was done at 1930’s but not at this age of internet with furries and Deviantart’s “artistic nude”-section.
Though, I gotta admit I got a giggle out of Miriam’s(that herm midgit) butler being all cool and normal even that his master is sheep-fucking-herm-midget.
- True professional
Well, yeah, that’s pretty funny. A normal butler just doing his job-
Why is everyone pedophile in this comic!? Freud would probably have something to say about this.. Oh, and it’s okay to make demons fry pedophiles brains. Pedophiles are pure evilness and satanworshipping serial killers are heroes. I don’t think this comic has any good guys so why are they even trying? Or was this also a joke?
I just might think too much.
But.. but.. but..
What kind of of a BDSM gear is this!?
- The “random laces thrown everywhere” presented to you by FailGear
Oh come ooooooon!! Haven’t you ever had sex with a fat herm midget in a dungeon before?!
- I miss my ex.. she was the most gentle woman on the earth *sigh*
..okay I just made a FAIL! whip.. but my statement still stands!
After being held captive by Miriam and melting the butler’s brain by his super-awesome satanist magig, Kane escapes the dungeon. This wasn’t a big surprise, it would’ve been more suprising and funny if Kane would’ve got it up the bum from Miriam and liked it and.. become pregnant with demons or something! This comic is not going far enough!
But after escaping Miriam he has something that I would call my basic weekend
He gets wasted
- ..and I mean WASTED
Whines and moans and begs for pussy but has to resort to whores
- “Gimme some cookie” ..damn we finns have weird phrases for asking for pussy
And ends up not getting it up at all and fainting at the sight of boobies
- OH SHIT! They’re silicons! Play dead and hope it goes away!
..fun times, fun times.
- OH MY GOD OH MY GOD BOOZE
After that nonsense Kane is reunited with his old friends
- I got nothin’
THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER! THIS IS THE MOST PRECISE DEPICTION OF SATANISTS EVER! NOTHING TOPS THIS ONE!
Oh how I was wrong! These guys have certainly been around satan worshippers! The resemblance is just striking! I could have never shown it better.
To be honest satanists aren’t even retarded. Retards are nice, calm and they love everything, but satan worshippers are like retards but without the calm and loving part. I am a great example of this!
So, the retardosatanists capture Kane and tie him up on a table for a dark ritual that requires butchering him and feeding him to a legless, armless, insane man who can’t say anything else than “ZUM TEUFEL!”
- Everyday life in New York
Apparently a hamster is not good and powerful enough for this, and belive me the Retardosatanist 1# has tried it
- NOOO! Retards love fluffy animals you retard!
But then Miriam appears
- I love that strap-on
Which leads to badly drawn gore
And FINALLY this damn thing ends
Goddammit this comic was all over the place. It can’t decide if it has a serious plot or not and the style jumps from this..
But it was the first published comic for most of the cast, and I can see some promise in this. Gladly the boys will grow up and hopefully grow out of this kind of idiocy. Now there’s nothing wrong with dirty jokes or violence, there just honestly is a right way to do these kind of jokes. You know, a way that makes them funny.
Lordi sarjakuva was really funny even that it had more gore than this one, but it was so over-the-top and ridicilous that I didn’t even bother with warnings. Kane is a different story, the jokes it tries to make end up flat and unamusing, and the “funny” images end up being just blatant offensive to the eye, causing maybe a forced smirk at best.
So.. now, if you’ll excuse me, I will go and have a manly sad moment. I am in desperate need of one after this comic. Besides I want to see if I can still use markers and ink.
- Nope. Can’t ink for shit.
Untill next time!
- See ya ❤