BLAW

I will admit it, I bought this comic just so I could see how badly it sucks.

Welcome to the eye-searing dissection of

BLOW

I think you noticed that I edited the real name of the creator out of this comic. It’s because I am being nice. I don’t want this fuck-up to come haunt this poor girl when she’s all grown up and just tries to forget she actually did this and tried selling it. If she comes to my blog and says she can take the heat, I will not hide it anymore but untill then – she shall remain a mystery.

This comic is made by a  girl I presume is 16 years old or older. This comic has overblown plot with oh-so-exploitable name.

BLAW

BLOW

BLAH

She really didn’t think anything trough with this scribblemess. It just screams “BEGINNER!”, everything about it is silly and hardly even sub-par. The fail starts right from the covers, which have not been cropped. See that scan of the cover? I left all that white space on purpose because it’s the inner pages just spewing out of the covers, and I wanted to point it out. This was the only self-published book that had this bad cropping in the whole Helsinki Comic Festival.

Now I want to play a little game with you called “Try to get the text on the cover because the placing sucks ass hardcore”. Honestly, scroll up to that atrocious placing and try to understand what reads there. When your brain starts to hemorrhage and you just can’t take that picture anymore, here’s the answer

This title BLOWs

It actually took me and two of my friends to figure this out. It was like one of those mind-fucking puzzles that you’re not really supposed to even break. It’s like she didn’t plan beforehand at all! And I think it’s because SHE DIDN’T PLAN ANYTHING BEFOREHAND. She just threw shit together on the fly.

She apparently first drew some pretti doggies and pretti animu on the cover, then the BLAW, then she went like “Oh shit, the BLACK doesn’t quite fit, oh well, I’ll use that “B” on the “BLAW” for this” and only then realised she can’t use the “A” and “W” for the “AND” and “WHITE” because there was drawings on the way, and she ain’t gonna do all that work again! It’s only the cover for her first comic anyway.

But what’s up with that random “L”?

Oh.

It would otherwise spell “BAW”

BAAAAWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Merely the back cover has so much stupid stuff on it that it deserves its own spotlight in this entry. Let’s also play another game, this one is easier and it’s called “Spot the weeaboo!”

Did ya spot the weeaboo?

Oh, and I didn’t parodise this in any other place than the credits. That overblown “Two brothers! Dark and light! Only once in a lifetime!”-stuff is word to word translated from what she actually wrote there. She seriously just did it –  the most cliché plot for a fantasy-themed story.

It was also nice that for once I could write as badly as I wanted. My handwriting is really atrocious, but hers isn’t any better than that so.. ahhh.. no pressure. This will look authentic no matter how much I slack.

Despite the “PEE ESS. READ BACKWARDS, WE’RE IN PLAY-JAPAN NOW” I read it backwards the first time and wondered why the comic made no sense. Then I forced myself to read the unappealing text, realised it was backwards(after reading the whole thing!!) and it didn’t make any more sense reading it on the intended order.

That is a bad sign.

So, let’s dwell inside this comic.

Please just lie that you did this in 5 hours and you’ll save your face..

“My inner wolf”

Uhh.. oh fuck. No. This comic is not only done by a weeaboo but a weeaboo furry! And in Finland it can mean only one thing.

YIFF!

Ginga Nagareboshi Gin or as we know it here – Hopeanuoli.

Hopeanuoli was published here as VHS videos in the 90’s even that it was really old-ass animation. Finland is amazing like that, we get everything about 20 years later, but the ridicilous and rather terrifying thing about this is that it’s still popular here. Really fucking popular. I think I would not be wrong if I said it’s the major reason why kids in Finland adapt anime styles.

It also got another, new series Ginga Densetsu Wiido so that goddamn shit will keep on sticking to the shoes of Finland’s new comic artists.

Honestly if anyone can bring me even one finnmanga artist who is clearly not influenced by Ginga in any level when drawing dogs, I will draw you a pretty picture of anything you want and admit I was wrong. I swear and promise, this is my written word, I will do it for the person who finds an artist like that, and to avoid cheating the picture presented has to be older than this entry.

It’s ON

Unsurprisingly the comic has some very crudely drawn Gin ripoffs

You should’ve been drowned into a bucket like the rest of your litter

What’s up with those markings!?

Oh yeah.. the NOTDISNEY!-syndrome. This syndrome drives its name from the fans of The Lion King who are rather notorious for this nonsense. They trace a lion from TLK and to make it not look like simba, they put on incredibly obnoxious markings on it and sometimes even clothes. Markings are same as originality in the minds of stupid.

See also: sparkledogs

So, this comic starts with an old story of two badly drawn animu brothers who look constipated and fiddle their swords while looking into the distance for no apparent reason.

They have been taught all their lives to hate eachother(wow, good parenting right there) and to kill eachother and they do so

I.. think they are coffins?

YAY! The comic is over, I can go pop open a bottle of-

..oh fuck it was just a stupid backstory, the comic jumps into the present day and shows us a young student in a badly drawn school building doing the roadrunner-effect. He looks exactly like the two dead brothers. They even do their hair the same way! What is this nonsense?

Now his hair changed colour!? At least I think it is him. He has the same clothes and is saying “sorry for being late” which implies he might be the guy from the previous frame who ran home from school. Why did his hair change colour!? And oh god no his name is Link

LEAVE HIM ALOOOONE!!! HE’S GONE TROUGH WARS!! BAWWWW!!

Then Link goes for a walk with Gi.. er.. Arra(what the fucking name is fucking Arra what the fuck) and it’s suddenly night and they come across a monument in his hometown, which makes him extremely surprised.

Did he just move there or is he retarded?! Or maybe he never goes out, his parents named him after a video game character anyway so he must be at least second generation of basement trolls we call gamers.

Maybe it flew there? It has wings after all.

And his hair changes colour again!! What is wrong with this dude!?

AAAH! What happened to the moon! Did it just get smashed by a meteor!?

Arra seems to get really excited about the place, and as the main character has no personality or life he just follows the dog around aimlessly, surrounded by bunnies. And they bump into.. uh..

Link’s identical twin crawling out from a grave??

But that doesn’t bother him the least, nor does the fact that the guy who just crawled out of the grave sliced his dog open.

BLARGH!  *ded*

In fact, he brings his identical, grave-dwelling, dog-slicing twin into his home because he looked aww so poor when he fainted convienently.

Protip! Hide a hand into snow so you don’t have to draw it!

Uh, why is he thinking of  She-Ra??

That show sucked

We will never know.

I also just realised something. When I first eyed trough this comic I thought it happened in a wasteland because the background was full of something what I’d call giant trash heaps, but now I finally got it. They are trees.

I don’t want to know why their trees look like that

At this point I seriously doubted the mental capacity of the cartoonist. I even checked the website of her art school and there was no mention of “special” classes. I presume she’s in art school because she got on the cartoonist line. Cartoon lines in art schools aren’t very popular in Finland, so basically anyone can get on one. I mean.. they let me on a class like that! You can only imagine.

She can’t draw and she can’t tell a story in a comphrehensive way. I had really hard time keeping up with the story when it was told like this

In what order should we be reading this mental fart!?

She also has to write what she means at some parts when she realises she’s not making any sense or her skills are lacking.

It’s neutral! ‘cus I wrote so!

You have the power of the pen, youngin’! USE IT! But not like that! Would facial expression chart been just too much to do or what??

The dog-hating, undead twin brother of Link introduces himself as Light and then they have extremely gay moment. And I don’t mean like “that’s gay!” but like.. really gay moment.

Oh let me touch your hair. For some reason I fucking love how it looks!

I have no idea why that was needed because in the next moment we are in Light’s flashback where he and his brother, Dark are being attacked by a dog.

It just wants some yiff 😦

This apparently happened 300 years ago so.. why is there modern floor tiles?? And what happened to their staircaise!? Do they use it as a toilet?

The evil Ginga-trace.. er.. dog shape-shifts into a dark haired animu person who is surprisingly not identical with every other character in this whole comic..

“I’m confused, why am I not identical with everyone else?”

.. and we get probably the most hilarious scene in this whole comic.

First, someone gets a veiny boner

Always wanted to do fisting and regular sex the same time without using two bodyparts at the same time? Try WunderFist! Only from FailGear.

..and this organ gets smacked into the dog-man’s face

Who’s your daddy! OH YEAH!

But don’t worry, the wolfaboo got his revenge

“Who’s the bitch now!? I’m gonna yiff you to death!”

This whole flashback wasn’t only oddly placed, but doesn’t make any sense with the plot. Wasn’t Light and Dark taught to hate eachother from the very start!? Why the fuck was Dark then protecting his brother, Light?! And he died by getting yiffed to death by a traced wolfaboo, not dead from the battle between the brothers like it reads in the BACK COVER and FIRST PAGE of the comic! In fact, why is Light alive at all anyway? They should both be dead!

Lass Lassie, what the fuck where you thinking when you wrote this piece of shit?!

She can’t keep the plot consistent even for one page, look at this!

First Link tells Light he forgot his jacket while holding his scarf, not jacket!

Then Link offers Dark his jacket while being randomly very angry while wearing his scarf

And Light puts the jacket on. And I have no idea why that scene was needed.

Oh, but something falls out, let’s see it a bit clo- AIIIIII!!!!

EEEEEUUUUURRRRRGGHHH!!

WHY WAS THIS NECESSARY!?

Does that capsule smell REALLY BAD or something!? What the fuck!?

Ohhhh now I get it! It had a three-headed Kirara-sperm genie inside! Now it all makes sense!

EXCEPT IT DOESN’T WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!?

..and good god Lassie stop drawing trees please!

And suddenly we are flooded with new characters that didn’t have even one mention in the comic before the six last pages of this 68 pages long trainwreck

WHO ARE THESE CHARACTERS!?

She had fucking 68 pages time to tell us some backstory but no! She used all those 62 pages to fucking around with unnessecary scenes of forgetting scarfs and jackets and just.. dicking around doing nothing else but changing awkward looks. There was all in all only one action scene and it lasted for only two frames.

Can you even tell all these people from eachother!?

They’re all twins. The end.

And for some reason Light’s brother Dark is still alive and has turned into Sepiroth from Final Fantasy 7

But where’s She-Ra?

hrngh…

I HATE THIS COMIC

Can you tell I didn’t like it? CAN YOU, HUH!? HUHH!?!?

This was absolutely ridicilous. I drew like this when I was in third grade! Every normal person drew like this when they were in third grade! I actually get flashbacks from this image

Hands up everyone who drew this exact image in third grade!

Lass Lassie has no talent whatsoever. She cannot draw, she cannot tell a story, she can’t make the characters look unique. I don’t understand how it is possible she is apparently an artschool student, I see absolutely no potential in this. She needs to do ALOT work to get even to the sub-par level in art and storytelling.

This was actually my third entry this week, all made in the day after each other. I hope that settled my drunken, and lazy scedule. I’ll do a status update and hopefully an entry next week with the details about the future of this blog. I will try and get more regular with this thing.

But now.. I need sleep and some.. time alone after this bunch of toilet paper.

Sources:

Etusivu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ginga:_Nagareboshi_Gin

Sparklelions:

http://mitarashianko7077.deviantart.com/

http://ladylugia.deviantart.com/

http://sakasagami.deviantart.com/

http://soruna.deviantart.com/

BAWWW-bunny:

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Incontinent_Student_Bodies